This morning, when I turned on Good Morning America, they were talking purses. Not styles of purses, but analysis: what your purse says about you. Specifically, what the CONTENTS of your purse say about you. Apparently, there’s a science to this. For instance, the more stuff you carry, the less confident you are. A truly confident person only carries the bare minimum, because she knows she can do just fine with very little. Also: if you carry peppermint gum, you’re into math and sports, but if you’re a fruit gum person you’re a good friend and very dependable. Cinnamon gum means you’re savvy and worldly.
Okay, let me just say this: I don’t carry ANY gum. What does that mean? In fact, here are the contents of my current purse (big so-ugly-it’s-kind-of-cute Gap leather bag), in no particular order:
1. Palm Pilot, which I cannot live without as I am completely OCD about my calendar and check it hourly. Forget the gum, that speaks volumes.
2. Checkbook, which is stuffed with receipts and pictures of my dogs.
3. Wallet. Also stuffed with receipts (on GMA they said lots of receipts means you have good intentions, so that’s good, right?), about forty bucks in cash, credit cards, a Banana Republic reward card I am carrying around in the hopes of finding something perfect to apply it to, and two count em TWO coffee gift cards which I haven’t used because I’m trying to give up sugary coffee drinks. Notice I have not, however, given them away. Note that I said TRYING.
4. Sunglasses and regular glasses. Hey, a girl’s gotta see.
5. Little green notebook I just bought at Target so I could stop writing down everything I’m sure I’ll forget on, yes, receipts. Currently in the book, two lists: books I want to read and movies for my Netflix list. Also a couple of pages of notes I took when meeting with a financial person at the bank the other day, when I was trying to look like I understood terms like “no-load funds.” Still working on that.
6. Small Kate Spade makeup bag, in which I have SIX lipsticks (okay, I’m indecisive) breath drops (instead of gum) band aids (I’m clumsy) a mirror, two perfume samples, a balance bar (girl’s gotta eat!) and a black eyeliner I have never used but insist on carrying around in the off chance something really glamorous might suddenly come up. You never know!
7. My phone and my keys, which both are never in reach or in sight when I need them.
8. Oops, just found another lipstick. Make that seven.
9. Pens. Girl’s gotta write!
10. Fifty-eight cents in change.
11. And, in the spirit of total honesty, rolling around in the deepest depths: popcorn pieces (I know, I know) movie stubs (hence the popcorn) chocolate wrappers (okay, I’m a slob) and a couple of rogue dog treats (I can’t even justify it, I’m so ashamed).
You know, I had a point when I started this, but now, I take it back. I don’t want to be analyzed. I just want to dump all this stuff back in and not think about it. Which…is exactly what I’m going to do. What gum symbolizes denial?