This will probably be my only entry for the week, as I’m about to switch into holiday mode. I love Thanksgiving, as I have said many times before, but this year more than ever, I am reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. I mean, about twelve weeks ago, my mom was in the ICU, and we weren’t sure she was going to make it. And I was hugely pregnant and already terrified about how I was going to manage as a mom, even without having to think about doing it without my own mom to help me. I’ve tried not to think too much about those days I spent sitting in the hospital holding my mom’s hand, feeling my baby kicking in my belly, as unsure of the future as I have ever been in my entire life. It was terrifying.
Those first few weeks after Sasha came, when my mom was recuperating, and I was trying to figure out this whole parenting thing (something that is still in progress, and will be forever, I think)…they are such a blur now. I am grateful that somehow we are made, in the most trying of times, to just block out everything and KEEP GOING, even when you have no idea what to do or how it will all work out. There is such a fine, thin edge between life and death, and I’m also grateful that we’re able to forget about that, for the most part, in our day to day lives. But every time I see my mom holding Sasha, and laughing with her, making faces, I feel this sudden rush of love and fear and gratitude, all at once. It’s like a ripple effect from those bad days, washing over me where I stand. And then, you know, I just…keep going. Because that’s what we do.
Whew! How did I get so introspective on a random Monday? I was going to write about how I’ve discovered Scrubs on DVD (I sense an addiction coming), and the enigma that is red velvet cake (it’s chocolate, and yet not. How is that?). Oh, well. At any rate, I wish you all the best of holidays. I hope you all have so much to be thankful for you can’t even begin to list it, that your plates overflow with mashed potatoes, your planes leave and arrive on time, and that your football teams win. But most of all, I hope that the people you love most are with you, whether it be across your table or over a phone line. In the end, that’s all that really matters. Or so I have learned.