I’ve done my best lately to NOT be having to do this blog under chaotic circumstances. Ideally, I’m over in my office, alone, where I can focus and take my time. Tonight, however, due to various circumstances, I am in the eye of our nightly hurricane: husband is making dinner (pork loin with fancy peanut sauce, yum), toddler wants to make lemonade (big mess, always) and I have about ten things to do before I can even begin to think about relaxing. Hello, Sunday!
I know I’ve said this before, but for some reason, I keep waiting for things to Calm Down. You know, get manageable again. But it’s been three years since I became a mom, almost, and the chaos is clearly here to stay. I also realized recently that I have this habit of just waiting for, you know, that finish line moment, when everything will fall into place and it’s smooth sailing from there on it. Like the end of a movie, right?
I know, I know. I’m an idiot and I can’t believe I got to 40 thinking such a thing was even possible. What I realized, this weekend, as I was driving (it’s always while I’m driving that truths hit, there or the grocery store) that I need to stop waiting for that to happen. The sky is never going to be clear forever, all blue, and stay that way, not a cloud on the horizon. I’m wasting my time waiting. Instead, I need to take the moments that are clear, those rare moments or hours or even days, if I’m lucky, and savor them while they last. Because another cloud will always come, another storm is usually brewing somewhere in the distance. Nothing I can do about it.
Years ago, when I first started writing novels, I knew I had a problem with over-explaining and way too much description. My novels had lovely passages but not enough action. I stuck a Post-it to my computer screen that said HAPPEN, HAPPEN, HAPPEN to remind me I had to keep things moving, and it worked. Now, I think I need Post -it on my head (or maybe tattooed on my eyelids) something else: BE, BE, BE. Even if it’s only for a moment, coming up for air to say, all right, things are okay right now, and be grateful to whatever power makes that possible. Because in the time it takes to wish it could last longer, it’s gone. Just like that.
*reads back over entry*
Wow, this is deeper than I meant to get. Sorry! I’ll throw in a few final shallow thoughts to balance things out, such as:
1. You know you’re in trouble when you’re watching Jersey Shore with people ten years younger than you and they have NO idea what it is. Conversely, you know everyone’s name and backstory and all that happened last season.
2. Also, you know you’re in trouble when you hear yourself say, “You know, Ronnie just seems like a really decent guy, actually. He’s just blowing off steam because he’s hurt.” Sigh.
3. Also shameful: how much I look forward to working out at 5:15 am, when I can watch my Real Housewives, all by myself. I yell back at the TV and get all fraught. It’s so great, like a workout within a workout. Emotional fitness!
4. Finally: my daughter has started this thing where she climbs up at my laptop, puts her fingers on the keys, and says, “Go play or read a quiet book, Mama. I have a lot of work to do.” Oh, cringe. She IS me, and it’s not pretty.
Oh, it’s nuts here right now. I am literally getting tugged away from the keyboard and peppered with various questions at the same time. Okay: be, be, be.
Time to go!