The Friday Five! (or Saturday Five. Or…I don’t even know, really.)

1. I just started this Five apologizing for being so late. Because I thought it was 7pm on FRIDAY, not Thursday. Which it is, as I’m writing this. I have a good reason for being so discombobulated, though. First off, the floor guys have been here all day (Thursday), my bed and bureau are in my living room, and my ears are ringing from the compressor popping. Also, I’ve been trying to do major edits on my next book, which is hard even when you DON’T have a parade of strangers coming in and out, loud noises and two very nervous dogs on the verge of a breakdown. Whew! But it is Thursday. Got it!

2. And now…it is FRIDAY, for real. My dogs just left for the kennel for the weekend, I have somehow managed to pack even though my clothes are scattered all around upstairs as if shot out of a cannon, and we will soon depart for the mountains to try to escape the chaos. I am a neurotic packer even under the BEST of circumstances, but with all this happening I am sure I will forget something major. I’m like Jason from The Truth About Forever, with multiple checklists. If you saw them, you’d think I was insane. And maybe I am. But when you HAVE no control, you do what you can to pretend that you do. Or, I do. (Updated later: I forgot to pack a sweater for myself, which is not a big deal, and any underwear for my kid, which is. Whoops.)

3. This week, I got a really nasty email from someone who needed help with a book report and was angry they received my auto-response. There was a time when I tried to answer each email personally, but then it just got overwhelming, and I had to, like, sleep and eat and raise my kid, so I tried to put the info people might need on my website and direct them to it. Most people understand this. I mean, if you want to learn about me, look no further than this blog: you will learn WAY too much about me just by reading back a few entries. Anyway, this person wanted me to answer some questions for her school assignment. When I didn’t, she said it was my fault she got a B. (Don’t even get me started on teachers who might actually grade based on a student getting a personal response from an author: UNFAIR all around doesn’t even begin to cover it.) Then she sent me a two word email, that began with a certain F word and ended with the word YOU. Nice, right? My first reaction was to write back and tell her how rude she was. Instead, I wrote a long blog post, saved it, and put it aside until the next morning, when my cooler head prevailed. No point it giving it more air than I’m doing here. And the only reason I AM writing about it is on the off chance that someone reading this is a teacher and in a position to point out to students that dropping the F-bomb just cause a total stranger doesn’t do exactly what you want or need isn’t okay. Because it isn’t. End of rant!

4. On a totally different note, a confession: I watched Here Comes Honey Boo Boo this week. I feel like I should pay a penance, maybe, say, have to watch nothing but PBS for the next month. Or year. Oh, people: this show. My husband—who I convinced to watch it under duress—is convinced it’s scripted, but I don’t think so. I just think these people ARE that wide open and honest and don’t realize how they come across on national TV. Or maybe they do and don’t care? I have always been a sucker for reality TV, I’m not too proud to admit it. But certain shows, even when I am WATCHING them, make me feel ashamed of both the subjects and myself. On the flip side, I am LOVING Gordon Ramsay’s new show, Hotel Hell, which is basically Kitchen Nightmares but at hotels, so he’s not only shocked at the state of someone’s walk in cooler but also their guest rooms and lobbies. I wonder what he’d think of the hotel where I am currently writing this, in Asheville, at 6:21 on a Saturday morning (nope, my kid does NOT sleep in on vacations). It’s cute but the pillows on the couch are like leaning back against cardboard boxes. I can hear him now, “Good LORD! How pathetic ARE these?” LOVE.

5. Okay, I’ll be honest. I don’t have a five. I barely have a four and this HAS to be the most disjointed blog I’ve ever written, or at least one of them. I mean, I started it on Thursday when I thought it was Friday. Added to it Friday in the midst of chaos. And am finishing it LATE early Saturday morning, drinking watered down tasting hotel lobby coffee. (“What IS THIS???” Gordon would scream.) Clearly, my blog skills are slipping. Hopefully it’s a temporary thing. Like situational anxiety: passing blog fail. Yeah, that’s it.

Have a good REST of the weekend, everyone!